Since last Tuesday, my
coworker and friend Jackie has been suffering from the Lenten blues. I felt
horrible on Friday when my other coworker, Koti, made her famous taco dip with
beef and Jackie couldn’t have any because you can’t be Catholic and have meat
on Fridays during the Lenten season. I immediately reminded Jackie that it was
already Saturday in Australia and since this was true, she could have meat and
just consider herself on Australia time.
I stopped observing Lent
years ago when I put my dog Sammie to sleep. I decided if God took away the one
thing that made me happy, that was my biggest sacrifice and I didn’t need to
practice Lent anymore.
So I have devised a few hot
tips for negotiating with J.C. and Big Daddy this Lent season.
1.
WATCH THE PASSION
OF THE CHIRST
If
you watch this film, your sins are pre-emptively forgiven for the next five
years. Says who? Says I – who specialized in Reformation studies in college
which is just as good an authority as any…
2.
EXERCISE EVERY
DAY DURING LENT
Jesus
suffered on the cross and suffering through a workout sucks pretty badly. So if
you can do this, it’s pretty much in accordance with the idea that we are
identifying with the suffering of Christ.
3.
REMEMBER IT’S
SATURDAY IN AUSTRALIA/FIJI/JAPAN
If you want
to have pepperoni on your pizza or a taco for lunch, remember that it’s
Saturday somewhere and that God is all encompassing and all understanding. He
can understand you need to eat meat or you’ll fall over and look pale like a
vegan.
4.
DON’T FEEL GUILTY
ABOUT GETTING DRUNK.
Because if
God didn’t want you to be drunk, he wouldn’t have invented alcohol. Want proof
He invented it? They SERVE it in most churches. So there.
5.
WATCH CHURCH ON
THE CHURCH CHANNEL.
My
grandfather taught me this one. As long as you are watching a mass it pretty
much counts.
6.
HAVE UNLEAVENED
BREAD AS A SNACK EVERY DAY.
And say a
prayer before you eat it. It’s like the body of Christ each day!
So this Lenten season,
instead of stressing over what you can and cannot do, just take my advice and
make a bargain with God!
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